How EMDR Therapy Can Improve Your Relationships

You know those moments when your reaction feels way bigger than what just happened? Maybe your partner doesn’t text back for a couple of hours, makes a small comment, or forgets something, and suddenly your chest is tight, your mind is racing, and you’re ready to shut down or blow up. On the outside, it’s probably a level 3 situation. Inside, it feels like a level 10.

If that sounds familiar, let me assure you that you’re not too sensitive, dramatic, or “crazy.” You’re human. And most of the time, you’re responding to a lot more than what is happening in this one moment. That beautiful, magical brain of yours is pulling in information you’ve learned from old relationships, old hurts, old patterns and then reacting as if they’re happening right now. 

Luckily for us, EMDR can help untangle that, so the past isn’t constantly crashing into your present, and you can show up differently for yourself and the people you love.

What is EMDR, and how does it help relationships?

Before we talk about specific relationships, it helps to know what EMDR actually is. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a type of therapy that helps your brain process experiences that got “stuck” - the ones your system learned from so strongly that it keeps reacting as if they’re still happening. In an EMDR session, we gently bring up those memories or feelings while using bilateral stimulation (like guided eye movements, tapping, or sounds) to process those memories and “unstick” them. 

In real life, that means your brain has a chance to update its story. If you’ve been noticing yourself reacting strongly to situations and you’re not sure why, feeling stuck in the same arguments, or wondering why you keep ending up in similar dynamics with different people, that’s not a character flaw. It’s a sign your history is still very active in your present.

EMDR is one of the most efficient ways I’ve seen people start showing up calmer, clearer, and more grounded in all of their relationships. EMDR doesn’t erase what happened or excuse bad behavior from others, but it helps your beautiful brain separate from its survival instincts and recognize: that was then, this is now - and move forward.

How To Show Up Better For Yourself

Let’s start with the most powerful relationship you have - the one with yourself. Everything else in your life grows from how you see yourself, what you believe you deserve, and how you show up for you.

When you’ve lived through experiences that taught you “I’m not worth much,” “my needs are a burden,” or “it’s safer if I just go along,” it makes sense that you struggle to ask for what you need. You may find yourself shrinking, over-explaining, apologizing for existing, or staying quiet to keep the peace…then feeling resentful and exhausted underneath it all. It’s not because you’re weak. It’s because your nervous system learned that shrinking was safer.

EMDR helps you go back to the places where those beliefs were formed and gently update them. As your brain processes those experiences, it becomes easier to recognize your own value: that your feelings are real, your needs matter, and you’re allowed to take up space in your own life. You start to move from, “I don’t want to upset anyone” to “This is what I’m feeling, this is what I need, and this is what I’m willing to accept.”

That can look very practical, like remembering:

• You deserve someone who answers your messages when they can and doesn’t leave you guessing on purpose.

• You deserve someone who is there for you emotionally and physically, not just when it’s convenient.

• You’re allowed to have alone time, even if that means taking a night to yourself and not being glued to your partner 24/7.

• You’re allowed to say, “I need help with this,” instead of silently doing 90% of the work and hoping someone will notice.

One of my favorite phrases for this is the Sex and the City line from Samantha: “I love you, but I love me more.” EMDR supports that kind of shift, not into selfishness, but into a grounded recognition that your needs count too. 

It’s hard to have healthy relationships with others if you don’t feel grounded, clear, worthy, or even understand how you’re truly feeling. EMDR helps you see yourself clearly, so you can show up for yourself first and let every other relationship grow from there.

EMDR Strengthens Romantic Relationships

Our romantic relationships are usually where our oldest patterns show up the loudest. Sometimes you’re reacting to your partner, and sometimes you’re reacting to everyone who came before them. The ex who cheated. The parent who made love feel conditional. The caregiver who criticized instead of comforting. 

Your beautiful brain stores all those experiences and tries to keep you from ever feeling that way again, even if that means jumping to conclusions or reading danger into things that aren’t actually dangerous right now.

EMDR gives you room to notice what you’re bringing into the relationship and what your partner is bringing, instead of being locked into one story. It doesn’t let genuinely harmful behavior off the hook. If someone is lying, cheating, stonewalling, or refusing to take responsibility - that’s a problem. EMDR can help you understand your worth and detach from people who are doing that, but it can also help you sort out, “What’s my history talking?” and “What’s the reality in front of me?” so you can make decisions from clarity instead of fear.

Sharing The Emotional And Physical Load

The past also shows up in our everyday dynamics like who cooks, who cleans, who manages childcare, whose career gets prioritized. Many of us watched our parents’ relationship and quietly filed it away as “normal.” Maybe you grew up watching a mom who worked full-time, did most of the cooking and cleaning, kept the social calendar, and soothed everyone’s feelings, while Dad did…less. Without realizing it, you walk into your own relationship ready to do 90% while your partner does 10%.

And then there’s the way we sometimes infantilize our partners. You might tell yourself, “I can’t leave; they don’t know how to cook or do laundry,” or “I can’t ask them to watch the kids alone; I’ll just have my mom come over instead.” EMDR helps you notice those patterns and remember that this is an ADULT. Your partner is capable of learning and stepping up. They can eat Hot Pockets for a bit and figure out how to cook dinner. (No shade to Hot Pockets - they’re delicious - but they’re not a reason to stay in a dynamic that’s hurting you.) They can text another parent to plan a playdate. The social calendar doesn’t have to be all on you.

When you recognize your own worth, your expectations shift. You stop building your life around protecting someone else’s comfort and start asking, “What do I need to feel safe and respected here?”

EMDR supports that by calming the old alarms enough that you can see the relationship as it is, not just as your history trained you to expect it to be.

EMDR and Your Friendships

EMDR can also help your relationships with friends, co-workers, and chosen family.

Maybe you’re the friend who always listens, always drives across town, always rearranges your schedule, while the other person rarely checks in on you. Maybe you feel guilty saying no to plans even when you’re exhausted, because a part of you is convinced they’ll be upset or leave if you disappoint them. Maybe you stay in one-sided friendships out of habit, because you learned early on that proximity is more important than reciprocity.

EMDR can help you see those dynamics more clearly and remember that your time, energy, and care are valuable. As you process the experiences that taught you to settle for less, it becomes easier to choose friendships that are mutual, trustworthy, and genuinely nourishing.

And since February is often framed as “couples only,” I have to say this - as women, the relationships we have with our friends matter deeply. EMDR can support you in building and keeping those kinds of connections, not just the ones that drain you.

Is EMDR Right for Your Relationships This Year?

The bottom line here is this. If you feel like something is off, whether it’s internally with how you prioritize your needs, or a romantic relationship that feels imbalanced, or the friendships in your life, then it deserves a moment to pause and evaluate why.

EMDR is one of the fastest ways I’ve seen people stop reliving the same old patterns in new relationships. It doesn’t make life, or other people, perfect. But it does give your brain a chance to update its old survival rules so you can respond from who you are now, not just from what you’ve lived through.

You don’t have to wait until everything is falling apart to get support. You also don’t have to commit to weekly sessions. Some people work with EMDR in an ongoing way. Others start with a few focused half-day intensives because that’s what works best for their schedule or budget. There are options.

If any of the situations I’ve mentioned in this article resonate with you, whether that’s healing from old relationship wounds, shifting current patterns, or strengthening the way you show up for yourself, you’re allowed to explore that. And my team and I are happy to walk with you and help you find your path.

You’ve got this. And as always, I’ve got you.

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Looking for more information on how to get noticeable impact from therapy without committing to weekly sessions? Learn more about EMDR half-day and one-day intensives, which provide months' worth of therapy support in a single session